apparently my body thinks it's super boring to be sick the same way for 4 days straight so it keeps jumbling everything around.
Day 1: asthma attack city! can't breathe can't breathe oh my freaking gosh i can't breathe.
Day 2: still can't breathe and have the worst sore throat in the history of sore throats. went to urgent care where they made me wait 3 hours and i almost passed out from NO AIR!
Day 3: super bad fever and more sore throat-ness. at least i could finally breathe.
Day 4: runniest of noses and biggest of heads.
thanks for trying to make being sick interesting little body but seriously this has to stop!
you now have 4 days to be entirely over this before Anniversary Weekend is upon us.
Ingredients 3/4 Cup Bob's Red Mill Almond Flour 2 Large Eggs 5 Tbsp Unsalted Butter 1.5 tsp Splenda (optional) 1.5 tsp Baking Powder
Cooking Directions Combine the dry ingredients in a bowl Whisk in the eggs Melt butter, add to mixture and whisk Divide mixture equally into 6 parts, place into a muffin top pan or equivalent Bake for 12-17 minutes at 350 degrees (varies by oven, watch the first time) Let cool on a wire rack.
Keto Specific (two pieces, one bun): Calories: 373 Net Carbs: 4 Carbs: 7 Fiber: 3 Fat: 35 Protein: 10
There’s some things in life that you just don’t think you’re going to have any problem doing.
It’s kinda like, everyone else does it so there’s no question about it.
Things like riding a bike. And falling asleep. And making toast.
I always thought “getting pregnant” was lumped into that group but apparently I was mistaken.
Here’s the scoop people, I never really get real on my blog because I don’t like to tell people about my problems. For one, I don’t think anyone cares. And two, I don’t want to seem overly whiney or whatever. But seriously this is a huge thing that has happened in our life and a huge freaking bummer and I want to get it off my chest before I explode and die a horrible exploding body parts kind of death.
Also, I'm writing this out on my bloggy blog because I really don't want to have to tell each and every person I know this story in person, mostly because it breaks my heart every time I think about it and I don't like to cry in front of people.
So if bummer style stories turn you off, stop reading. Or stories about prego-ness because in case you didn’t catch the subtle hint up there, that’s what this is.
So Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half but we kept it on the DL because that’s apparently what people do now until their baby is the size of an egg. Shortly after the birth control was tossed out the window we noticed my body is a big bag of crazy and can’t seem to get anything right. My “time of the month” was hit or miss which caused many false alarms in the pregnancy department and made us more and more depressed with each passing month. After several months of this nonsense I went to the doc and was checked to see if I had PCOS and was diagnosed with metabolic syndrome, which I wrote about last August. Since then I’ve been dealing with trying to get things under control and eating a ketogenic diet which has helped but after another few months my “time of the month” still wasn’t normal and there was still no baby growing in my tummy. I was checked to make sure I was ovulating, which I was, and given a pill to help my cycles regulate. Again, still no baby.
Finally we decided it was Matt’s turn to get checked out. We bought a home semen analysis kit and pretended we were lab technicians and found that the test said Matt’s sperm count was low. This caused us to make an appointment at a fertility center and have the weirdest experience ever ever ever ever ever.
If you’ve never been to a fertility clinic or urologist for a semen analysis before you can really only picture how it is in the movies, or at least that’s how I was picturing it before we went. Too bad the movies don’t show you how INCREDIBLY AWKWARD the situation is. So the front desk lady walks us back to a teeny tiny room that’s about the size of my closet at home. In this room there is a small tube style TV, a bookcase with two giant stacks of porn, a VHS tape labeled “stocking babes” and an old 80s style leather chair that Matt was kind of afraid to sit in. First of all, who knew that they actually supplied porn in these rooms? I thought that was some kind of crazy rumor thought up by men who wished that was the case. And more importantly, VHS? Really? The nurse also told us before she left the room that the door on the other side should stay locked because there was an IVF procedure going on in the next room. So not only did we have to do this awkward thing in this closet sized room from the 80s but we could also hear as a doctor entered the room next door and told the patient to disrobe and get into the gown so they could start the procedure.
HOLY WEIRDNESS GOING ON UP IN THERE!
Okay so nurse lady leaves and doctor and patient about to be knocked up are finally quiet and Matt and I…cannot stop laughing. We are seriously sitting in this room cracking up to the point of crying because of the stacks of porn and the “stocking babes” which made us question if that meant the babes were wearing stockings or if they were sexy girls in grocery store outfits stocking shelves or if they were Christmas babes. I guess we’ll never know. Also, did I mention the weird slightly pornographic artsy fartsy drawings on the walls? No? Well there was like four of them and I couldn’t look at them without cracking up. Awful awful awful. Somehow, amazingly enough, the deed was done and we walked out of the closet room feeling like we had just rented a “pay by the hour” hotel room. But the hard part was over (pun intended) and the sample was with the lab so now all we had to do was wait for the results.
So Monday morning we go back to the doctor and are led into this office which is seriously exactly what you see when two people who are trying to get pregnant get brought in to hear bad news. Two chairs facing a desk with a doctor type person behind it using big words and saying lots of sad stuff. I’ll skip all the junk and yadda yaddas that she said and just tell you that a normal sperm count is 15 million, Matt’s sperm count is 0.66 million. That being said, normal baby making techniques, IVF and insemination, while not entirely impossible, are very unlikely to work. We both were able to keep it together when she said this because our home test had already told us something was wrong and we had tried to prepare ourselves. All we wanted to know is what our next step should be and we were told to see this high rated urologist and get a full range of tests done to see what we can do.
So here I am, trying to pretend that I don’t really care that it’s going to take us a lot more time and energy to be parents. I try to tell myself that we can still live our lives and do a lot of cool things while we’re waiting. I try to tell myself that we have time to work on our careers and be able to really have the money to raise a family. I try to tell myself that up until about 2 years ago I wasn't even sure I wanted kids because I thought I would be a terrible mom. But when all is said and done, I do want a baby now and I will be a freaking ridiculously awesome mom and this whole situation is incredibly heartbreaking. It seems that everywhere I turn people are asking us when we're going to have kids or people are announcing their pregnancies and every time I have to hold it together and try not to think about how it could be years before Matt and I are able to join in the fun.
And to all my family and friends who are currently pregnant, I really am genuinely happy for you. You're all going to be amazing parental units and I promise not to be too jealous and sit at home making voodoo dolls of you and stuff...I think.
That being said, please don’t hate me if this video is playing on repeat when you come to my house.
Matt and I have watched it several times now 'cause it just makes us feel better mmkay?
and P.S. Matt gave me full permission to share this story. He read it over before it was posted and made sure I didn't say anything too horribly embarrassing about him or his peeps so it gets his stamp of approval.
i'm sure my levels of stress are about 25% due to the fact that i'm a girl and that's what we do but 75% due to the fact that i'm crazy in the head.
i make insane expectations for myself and am constantly adding thing after thing to my to-do list when i know i won't be able to finish it all.
and then when i don't finish it all i'm upset and frustrated and even more stressed.
so i decided i'd like to get all this under control.
no need for excess amounts of stress in your life right?
life is for fun and happiness and eating delicious junk food and snuggling puppies and playing on slip and slides.
i think the biggest thing that could help with my stress is changing my being trapped indoors situation.
i work from home and since we only have one car that Matt takes to work well...here i am, stuck until he comes back at night and by that time it's late and we usually just stay in.
not having a car limits what i can do outside of the house but it is summer time and our neighborhood does have a pool so i thought to myself "self, you should at least get out of the house and lay around by the pool on the days you're in need of a stress relieving good time."
and that's what i started to do.
me and kindy have made a couple trips to the pool this week to relax and if during that time my skin decides to turn from pasty white to a more attractive color, i wouldn't mind that too much.
i'm trying really hard to see these little pool outings as something fun to do instead of just another thing to add to my to-do list.
at least once this week i felt myself starting to feel like it was a thing i had to do every single day and therefore i would have to make time for it and that would mean i wouldn't be able to get this and this done before this had to happen and blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
again, loca en la cabeza.
this is just for fun!
and it's even more fun if Matt gets to do it with me.
this morning he went in to work a little late so we got to lay out and splash around in the pool and then eat breakfast together.
we NEVER get to do that and i loved it!
anyway...here's to the start of my stress free summer/life.
please send all kinds of stress reducing thoughts my way.
i'm very excited to say i found another healthy breakfast idea for us!
my mom would sometimes make these grape nuts cereal bars for us when i was younger and i always tried to find the recipe since i've been out on my own with no luck and then, finally, I FOUND ONE!
i don't think it's the same exact one but it's super easy and super tasty so i don't mind!
ingredients you need are...
don't you like that i'm super cheap and all my food is walmart brand?? except the peanut butter, you can't skimp on the important stuff people!
so you can find the recipe i used here but really all you do is boil the honey and pb together for a little bit and then throw everything together.
i told you it was easy!
and then you have these delicious little nutty bars!
they're a little carby for a ketogenic diet but since i'm kinda dancing on the keto/non-keto line i think they're just right for me on those days i need a little somethin somethin extra in the morning or for a snack.
and the recipe makes a lot!
i cut them into a bunch of bars and froze half of them so we don't eat them all in one week.
next time i think i might throw in some different kinds of fruit and use crunchy pb instead of creamy!
and remember when my allegicness graduated to the next level and just became downright laughable?
beware of the disgustingness of the photo below people.
explanation:
it seems like every time i spend 20+ minutes outdoors the past couple weeks i start breaking out in hives.
they start out really small, a few here and there on my wrists and then within minutes they'll be all over my arms and chest causing me to have to leave whatever event we are at and rush home to down some allergy meds and coat myself in hydrocortisone cream so i don't scratch myself to shreds.
it's not a pretty picture people.
don't believe me?
this was me last night after taking Padme on a 30ish minute walk.
hives all over both arms.
it was so bad Matt asked me if we had to go to the hospital and Matt is totally against going to the hospital so i knew it had to look pretty bad for him to ask that.
and i haven't told you the craziest part yet!
whatever is causing these hive breakouts is purely airborne!
and i know this because exactly where my sleeve hit on my arm is where the hives stopped.
you could literally see a line where the redness and hives were and where the paleness of my normal skin was under my shirt sleeve.
INSANITY!
so...if anybody out there is an expert in airborne pollen or knows of some kind of alien virus that only causes extra cool people to burst out in hideous hives please HELP ME!
so i went to the doctor this week to see how my whole metabolic syndrome-ness is going.
the doctor made me feel all proud of myself for losing some poundage and being overall a little healthier but i guess i'm still not exactly where i need to be blood sugar wise.
i went there really hoping she would tell me i was doing good and i could get off the medication that makes me nauseous 24/7 and on those really super fun days has me puking but sadly, i have to stay on it for now.
i know i felt the absolute best when we were on our ketogenic diet and i've heard lots of success stories of people who can get off this medication if they stick with this diet but it's sooooo hardddd.
we did it for a good month with barely any cheating and both Matt and i lost over 10 pounds in that one month but you hardly get to eat anything.
well, that's not true.
you get to eat a lot of meat and veggies and dairy but with my lactose intolerance i don't get the dairy part and i'm allergic to a lot of veggies too so it's like taking a very limited diet and making it super duper BEYOND limited.
but i'm determined to find an amazing balance of the keto diet with maybe a little extra stuff to make me not want to throw myself off a ridiculously tall building.
basically i'm gonna try a bunch of new foods and weird recipes to see what i like and what's healthy but tasty enough to keep in my diet long term.
and i'll be posting about it for my own benefit so i can remember likes and dislikes and also for anyone who is interested in eating healthy along with me!
so Matt and i wandered around Trader Joe's this week and found these healthy looking bars called Five Seed Almond Bars.
i've been putting off trying them for a couple days now but today i put my big girl pants on and tried them out.
and guess what...THEY ARE DELICIOUS!
they're nutty and cinnamony and probably the best tasting health bar i've tried.
only problem is, we didn't notice they have butter in them until after i had one this morning so no more delicious cinnamon nutty goodness for me anymore.
insert sad face here.
but Matt loved them too so he'll get to gobble up all those bad boys.
and after eating this i decided breakfast bars are totally genius for those mornings you don't want to cook or, if you're like Matt, you're already 15 minutes late to work by the time you head out the door.
so i searched the interwebz for some breakfast bar type recipes and found some i'm going to try out!
basically anything that can give us a little break from eating eggs every single morning would be nice!
ewoks with batman, robin, skeleton, peter pan, wendy and tinkerbell
the little shark "Fin"
i'm so sad halloween is over but i guess i'll move on to the next celebration.
Matt and i will be married for 5 years next week.
holy cow!
and to celebrate we're going on a little mini vacation and of course that means that i got sick this week.
i now have 2 days to get better. UGH!
dear sore throat, i hate your guts! you're the worst thing in the entire world! i hate being reminded of you every time i swallow!
so yesterday i decided to stick it to mr. sore throat and downed like 500 gallons of water (no joke), hot soup, nasty airborne tablets and Matt even brought home my secret sore throat weapon- caramel apple spice from starbucks.
seriously, every sore throat i've had since high school has been cured within days of consuming one of those delicious beverages.
then last night i took some nyquil and Matt tucked me in for a good night's sleep....NOT.
turns out even sick and full of nyquil i don't sleep but i still got up this morning and my sore throat is slightly less annoying than it was yesterday.
hallelujah! thank you caramel apple spice!
hopefully another 2 days of the exact same routine will cure me for a fun filled vacation.
now i'm gonna go make some lists.
i'm probably the only one who does this but i like to make a crazy number of lists before a trip.
don't want to forget anything ya know.
especially when you're gonna be within 5 minutes of a store.
this is one of those weeks i'm super glad is over.
i definitely need a break from work. i've been typing so much i'm starting to get cramps and spasms in my arms. no bueno.
i got a haircut. i hate it.
Matt worked so much i started to forget what he looks like.
oh yeah...he looks like that.
i've been extremely nauseous this week. i don't feel like eating at all. hummus especially makes me sick for some reason. oh hummus, how i love you and you torture me.
i'm just so ready for a weekend of me and Matt and food and sleep and House.
which we recently got into a decade after everyone else and i like it.
so i went to the doctor this week.
i had every intention of going in and saying "hey lady, this pill you gave me isn't doing diddly squat. fix it!"
but instead she came in the room and before i could say anything she told me i've lost 10 pounds this past month.
say whaaaaaat??
who's happy about this?
THIS GIRL!
the scale we have at home is most definitely broken.
best surprise ever? YES!
time to share how this week went with my new diet.
it started off reaaaaaaally crappy.
in that extra long post i said i had made it almost 2 full days sugar/carb free and felt exhausted and not any better than before.
in fact i felt worse, much much worse. i was like a walking zombie.
i was tired and grumpy and had a constant migraine and was starving and sad. so sad.
obviously that didn't work. i didn't like feeling that way and, let's face it, nobody wants to be near me when i'm that way.
so for a couple days i gave in and ate carbs and started feeling better and now... my plan is changing up a tiny bit.
i'm still trying to not eat sugars and carbs in the form of cookies and breads and candy and rice and crap like that but i need more natural sugars in my diet to balance out the work that the metformin does.
right now i'm doing this by adding more fruit into my diet. sometimes in the morning i'll make really yummy smoothies with coconut milk and berries with a little peanut butter thrown in there for protein. (and because i really love peanut butter.)
they are so delish! Matt even has me make him one in the morning too.
i've also started eating a snack in the afternoon that consists of a handful of mixed nuts and a couple dried apricots or some other fruit.
again, delicious and helps keep my blood sugar balanced throughout the day.
it's working well so far. i can go days without needing to just flat out eat carbs but i do if i start feeling extra sick so i can bring my blood sugar up fast.
i think i'm actually starting to get the hang of this metabolic syndrome diet thingy-ma-do.
and now, just for funzies, a little rant.
now that my diet basically consists of meat, veggies and fruit Matt and i find it incredibly hard to go out anywhere.
can't go fast food because they always have milk in everything and usually it's a carb overload.
can't go to a restaurant unless all i want to eat is salad with no cheese or creamy dressing.
and personally, i find it stupid to go out to a restaurant and pay $10 for a salad i could've made at home for free.
so we eat at home. always.
it's a huge bummer.
it makes me laugh at those people that are allergic to gluten and make a huge deal out of it.
i just look and them and think "really? you're really complaining to ME about that?"
every single grocery store now has a special area dedicated to gluten free foods.
pastas and baked goods. even bisquick has a specific gluten free kind now.
and most restaurants offer gluten free meals too.
i mean, i'm sure it sucks to live a gluten free life.
in fact, i know it sucks because i basically do.
but i also live a lactose free life and a sugar free life and besides a little complaining about it here on my blog i don't really make it a big deal.
i'm allowed to complain here because i'm basically just complaining to myself but in a setting where there's a bunch of family or friends around, i don't talk about it because this is just how i do things now and that's that.
so gluten free people, suck it up and realize how good you actually have it.
end of rant!
now i'm gonna go hurry through my work because hubsy got the day off work so we're gonna do something fun today!
i've spent most of my married life battling something that was wrong with my body but doctors couldn't diagnose. i would just go from doctor to doctor getting blood test after blood test hoping that that one time it would be different, they would find something and i would get better. this was never the case. like most married couples, Matt and i both gained weight after getting married and dealing with our busy lives. the only problem was that when i would actually try to lose weight it never worked. i would exercise like a mad woman running or doing some bouncy workout video and even tried P90X and did it religiously for weeks but nothing ever helped. i'm sure you can understand how depressing that was. so that's how it went for years and years and years. feeling sick with no diagnosis or cure in sight.
fast forward to July 2010...on the 4th of July at a family barbeque i had an allergic reaction where my throat almost closed up and i felt horrible for days. this led me to go to an allergist and have an allergy test done. that's when i found out i'm allergic to the world. not really but they tested me for 71 things and out of those 71 things i was allergic to 43 of them. those 43 included all trees, all grass, almost all weeds, one mold, cat hair, horse hair, dog hair, all melons and avocado. so basically the outside world wants to kill me along with animal hair and melons and the doctor probably just added avocados to the list to make me cry. i loved avocados. in addition to those things they also told me i'm lactose intolerant. again, probably just to make me cry because no one loves ice cream more than me. but i learned what food to avoid and how to live a lactose free existence. it was incredibly hard at first to give up things like ice cream, chocolate, cheese, most breads, milk, yogurt, butter, etc. but i figured it out and now i hardly miss it. the only problem was that even though i found out what i'm allergic to and could now avoid those foods i still felt horrible and like something was still not quite right.
fast forward to present time...i went to the doctor at the beginning of August because i hadn't had my period in over three months and the pregnancy pee stick said no so i was a little on the worried side. also, my sister called me up one day to tell me about PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). her friends had told her about it and i had a lot of the symptoms. so the PCOS worry combined with my total lack of a monthly cycle caused me to make an appointment with my gynocologist. i went, with Matt because he's supportive and knows how much i hate to go to the doctor, and explained all of my symptoms and how we suspect i have PCOS. the doctor was amazing. she went over all of my history and was careful not to leave anything out. she explained to us that PCOS is actually not my problem but she believed i have metabolic syndrome. the symptoms were all what i was experiencing and after some lab work i returned to the doctor and she told me all the lab work came back positive for metabolic syndrome.
for those who have no idea what metabolic syndrome is, meaning if you're like me about a month ago, then here's a little bit about it. metabolic syndrome is also known as insulin resistance, syndrome X, prediabetes and cardiometabolic syndrome. basically the plain and simple way to describe it is my body can't use insulin effectively and insulin is needed to help control sugar in the body so as a result blood sugar levels rise. the doctor described it to me as prediabetes and said if we don't get it taken care of i will end up with type 1 or type 2 diabetes. this also explains why i have gained weight and can't seem to lose it no matter what i try. apparently one of the more lovely symptoms of metabolic syndrome is extra weight around the middle because of the rise in blood sugar. awesome right?
so the treatment the doctor gave me is a pill called metformin. it's usually prescribed to people with type 2 diabetes but doctors have found it's very successful with metabolic syndrome as well. i've been taking it twice a day for a little over a week now and i don't feel any different. it made me very very nauseous the first few days but luckily that's gone away. both the doctor and the pharmacist told me metformin would cause me to lose weight but i'm still waiting for that side effect to grace me with its presence. i'm trying not to get too down about it because it's only been a week so far. i can't expect to be fixed overnight.
now fast forward to this morning...the doctor had sent me to get additional blood work done after the first time i went. she sent me to get a glucose test to be 100% sure i have metabolic syndrome. if you've never had a glucose test before this is how it goes, you go into the lab and have your blood drawn while fasting and then you drink this really sugary drink that at first tastes like orange soda without carbonation but the more you drink it the more disgusting it is and since you have to down the whole bottle in 5 minutes you basically feel like puking afterwards and then you sit at the lab for 2 hours so they can draw your blood every 30 minutes. yeah, it's super fun. well i finally got the call from the doctor this morning telling me how it went. apparently my levels were a little concerning. my test showed actual diabetic levels so combined with the previous blood work i had done my doctor told me i am basically walking that very fine line between diabetes and metabolic syndrome.
some good news...matt found THIS and showed it to me the other day.
it's this amazing story about a woman who went through all the same things i have gone through. all the doctors and the testing and never finding out what truly is wrong with you. she found out she was lactose intolerant and then was misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia but when she went to her yearly gyno visit she was tested for the same things as me and found out that she's insulin resistance (metabolic syndrome). she talks about how she cut out sugar and carbs and was feeling better in a matter of days and now she's lost 40 pounds and is back to her old self again. i just couldn't believe that this woman went through almost the exact same things as i did and actually got through it and felt amazing now. it really has lifted my spirits!
so now i'm trying really hard to give up carbs and sugar so i can have the same success story as that woman. i want to have energy and a good attitude and feel like myself again more than anything and if giving up sugar and carbs is going to help me get there then that's what i need to do. will it be hard? HECK YES! but i'm going to take it one day at a time. if i can make it through the day sugar/carb free then the day was a complete success. if i stumble and eat some i won't beat myself up about it i'll just tell myself that tomorrow is another day and i'll try again. i really wanted to get all this out so that i can start writing every friday about how the week has been for me health wise. that way i can see the changes i'm making and the difference it brings to my life. i already have a really good sugar/carb free habit for breakfast and lunch it's just dinner that i have to worry about now. that shouldn't be too terribly horribly hard. well...yes it will be hard but i'm going to tryyyyy to make it feel like it's a piece of cake. hopefully if i write down how my week went every friday i'll be able to see what's working and what's not and find the perfect balance that i need.
so i'll make this my first weekly report. even though i just found out about all this i haven't been too terrible this week. my meals have stayed pretty sugar/carb free but then i ruin things by having a soda or popcorn. those are my weaknesses. this is just my first week though so i shouldn't be too hard on myself. i even made a special dinner this week with delicious tilapia and set my oven on fire. i'm experimenting with new foods to keep me away from craving my usual go-to carby meals. that's progress already! and so far the last 2 days have been completely sugar/carb free! i can't say i feel better, in fact i feel more exhausted than usual, but i'm holding on. we'll see how the next week goes!
i don't usually do posts like this because i hate to be a downer but it's something that's really been causing problems for me lately.
since i was a kid i always had terrible self esteem problems. i always thought i wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough and i compared myself to other girls constantly. some of it i think is how i was raised and some of it is just simply the way my brain is i guess. i grew up as a karate girl so i had more muscles than a lot of other girls which gave me a bigger figure plus i'm naturally just a curvy girl and i've always hated that.
when i moved out of my parents' house and got married i gained weight, like everyone does, and started getting a lot of health problems. i lived with stomach aches my whole life but they got much worse after high school. then last year i found out i'm lactose intolerant and have oral allergy syndrome and am allergic to basically every plant known to man which changed my diet drastically. i cut dairy out of my life which you would think would be good for you right? instead my face broke out in terrible acne and i didn't lose one pound, not one single pound. if you have to stop eating all the things you love it would be nice to at least lose some poundage to make you think there's at least one good thing to come out of it. i also had to stop eating raw vegetables and most fruits. it makes it really hard to eat healthy when you have restrictions like that but i got through it. i stopped eating most fruit and cooked all my vegetables before eating them. so i was eating better than i ever had in my life and still wasn't losing any weight or feeling any better about myself.
now it's almost a full year later and i find out i also have candida and have to take an intense supplement to fight it which has horrible side effects. so yet again i get to endure terrible acne and flu symptoms and the worst stomach pains i've ever had. everyone who's taken this supplement says those things are normal because your body is getting rid of all that bad stuff but you should feel better afterwards but right now all i can think is, is this even going to work? and even if it does work, will we just find something else that's wrong with me? i know that's a horrible attitude to have but when you're lying on the couch and crying because of the pain of these stupid stomach aches those are the things that go through your head. it's been a week since i've been taking the supplement now and i've found that the stomach pains aren't as bad if i stay away from yeast and sugar entirely. so yet again, my diet has changed. i now eat ridiculously healthy and see no positives from it.
man, i'm such a giant complainer. i really just wanted to get all this out to give myself a minute to feel sorry for myself and then i'm going to be done with it. obviously all my body/self esteem issues won't be done for good but i want to get healthy and be able to look at myself in the mirror without immediately pointing out all the things i hate about myself. also, i know how much my bad self image hurts Matt. he tells me i'm beautiful all the time and just for once i want to hear him say it without thinking or mumbling under my breath "yeah right". that's not fair to either one of us. he deserves a wife who is happy with herself not one that wishes she was different in every single way. i know all i can do is keep pushing forward. keep taking the supplements, keep eating good foods, keep exercising, keep getting enough sleep and eventually i'll get rid of all these crappy illnesses. and i need to just swallow my insecurities and be happy throughout the process. the rumor is that once you cure candida you can lose weight, your allergies are less severe and you have much more energy. i really want those things to happen so i'm sticking with this, for better or for worse, i can't give up on it.
