sorry for this

i don't usually do posts like this because i hate to be a downer but it's something that's really been causing problems for me lately.

since i was a kid i always had terrible self esteem problems. i always thought i wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough and i compared myself to other girls constantly. some of it i think is how i was raised and some of it is just simply the way my brain is i guess. i grew up as a karate girl so i had more muscles than a lot of other girls which gave me a bigger figure plus i'm naturally just a curvy girl and i've always hated that.

when i moved out of my parents' house and got married i gained weight, like everyone does, and started getting a lot of health problems. i lived with stomach aches my whole life but they got much worse after high school. then last year i found out i'm lactose intolerant and have oral allergy syndrome and am allergic to basically every plant known to man which changed my diet drastically. i cut dairy out of my life which you would think would be good for you right? instead my face broke out in terrible acne and i didn't lose one pound, not one single pound. if you have to stop eating all the things you love it would be nice to at least lose some poundage to make you think there's at least one good thing to come out of it. i also had to stop eating raw vegetables and most fruits. it makes it really hard to eat healthy when you have restrictions like that but i got through it. i stopped eating most fruit and cooked all my vegetables before eating them. so i was eating better than i ever had in my life and still wasn't losing any weight or feeling any better about myself.

now it's almost a full year later and i find out i also have candida and have to take an intense supplement to fight it which has horrible side effects. so yet again i get to endure terrible acne and flu symptoms and the worst stomach pains i've ever had. everyone who's taken this supplement says those things are normal because your body is getting rid of all that bad stuff but you should feel better afterwards but right now all i can think is, is this even going to work? and even if it does work, will we just find something else that's wrong with me? i know that's a horrible attitude to have but when you're lying on the couch and crying because of the pain of these stupid stomach aches those are the things that go through your head. it's been a week since i've been taking the supplement now and i've found that the stomach pains aren't as bad if i stay away from yeast and sugar entirely. so yet again, my diet has changed. i now eat ridiculously healthy and see no positives from it.

man, i'm such a giant complainer. i really just wanted to get all this out to give myself a minute to feel sorry for myself and then i'm going to be done with it. obviously all my body/self esteem issues won't be done for good but i want to get healthy and be able to look at myself in the mirror without immediately pointing out all the things i hate about myself. also, i know how much my bad self image hurts Matt. he tells me i'm beautiful all the time and just for once i want to hear him say it without thinking or mumbling under my breath "yeah right". that's not fair to either one of us. he deserves a wife who is happy with herself not one that wishes she was different in every single way. i know all i can do is keep pushing forward. keep taking the supplements, keep eating good foods, keep exercising, keep getting enough sleep and eventually i'll get rid of all these crappy illnesses. and i need to just swallow my insecurities and be happy throughout the process. the rumor is that once you cure candida you can lose weight, your allergies are less severe and you have much more energy. i really want those things to happen so i'm sticking with this, for better or for worse, i can't give up on it.